Crownless
by Lady Feylene
Summary: Peter Pettigrew looks back on his life and the choices he has made. (Mild slash)


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Disclaimer: Peter isn't mine, no matter what I like to think. Neither is anyone else who is mentioned in this story.

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Warning: Slash. It didn't start out that way, but it ended up that way. Damn it! I can't keep slash out of these damn stories...it's really minimal though. Just some kissing and a suggestive situation. Male on male. 

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Dedication: Absolutely no one in any way inspired this/helped with this/had anything to do with this. Wow. It's all me. But Kitten still deserves a thank you for writing that beautiful Peter fic. (Damned For All Time, by KittenMalfoy. Go read it, it's wonderful!)

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Author's Note: I was working on the nest chapter of my Percy fic and listening to my Nightwish CD. The song Crownless came on, and I was listening to the words, and this just hit me. That song has always reminded me a bit of Peter, but in a rather abstract way. All grammar mistakes are intentional, as it's first person POV, and Peter's not the brightest of bulbs.

On a side note, when I sat down to write this (three hours ago) it was supposed to be a quick, one page rant. And now it spans from the time Peter joins the Death Eaters, to the end of the fourth book. And I added in the lyrics of that song at the end. And I am actually really proud of this. Please review, and tell me what you think!

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Crownless

One fragrant rose worth ten times what I am  
A crippled begging a coin braver than I ever was  
Reflection from me-Devil dressed in white  
Chasten the being  
Become what I once was

Have you ever done something, something really stupid? Everybody has. But sometimes some things are stupider then others. Like when Sirius told Snape how to get into the Shrieking Shack. That was stupid, but it turned out okay. Nobody was hurt, and Remus forgave Sirius after a few days. Most times, things turn out okay. But sometimes they don't turn out okay. Sometimes they turn out really, *really* bad. Like when I joined Voldemort...

***

I didn't really know what I was doing at first. I just sort of...got swept up in things. It started in my seventh year. I was feeling pretty left out. And the students who were members were holding meetings. I don't even know how I found out about it. I think it was Snape. I heard him talking about it to somebody. He saw me, listening. I thought he was going to do something to me, the way he glared at me. But he didn't. He walked over, and told me maybe it wasn't a bad idea if I dropped by. They could use someone like me. Use someone like me? Nobody could use somebody like me. I was clumsy, awkward, practically a squib. But he told me that I might just be exactly what they needed. I didn't know what to say. I didn't like Snape very much. He was mean, and nasty and had always treated me bad. 

But I didn't think it would hurt, just going once. He had said I didn't *have* to join, but it never hurt to check out my options. I went. I lied to James and Sirius and Remus. Not that they really wondered where I was going. They sort of ignored me that year. They were busy. James had his fiance, Sirius needed to bring up his grades and Remus...well, Remus worried a lot. I went to the meeting. It wasn't what I thought it would have been. It was mostly Slytherins, with a few Ravenclaws and a Hufflepuff or two. I was the only Gryffindor. A lot of them looked at me funny, but Snape came over and put his hand on my shoulder and said he was glad I'd come. It was in the Slytherin's seventh year dorm. That made me a littler nervous. 

"I didn't think you'd come." He said, looking down at me. I just shrugged, I didn't really know what to say. "Well, take a seat, you haven't missed anything." He seemed to be in charge. He was one of the oldest there. I sat in the corner, on the floor, just listening to them talk. It wasn't about world domination or anything like that. There was a lot of talk about the Dark Arts, but that was it. It was a lot like a club of some sort. Voldemort's name came up once or twice, but other then that...

I was confused. These were the people everyone was terrified of? I didn't really understand it. Oh, they talked down about a lot of people who weren't there. But they were mostly Slytherins, so that wasn't weird. And then a few left, and it was just like a big group of friends. They broke off into little groups, talking and laughing. Snape came over to talk to me again.

"Well?" He asked, arms folded. I shrugged again. This was all new and strange to me.

"Is this all it is?" I finally asked. He was staring at me, and it was hard not to say anything when he stared. He had very black eyes.

"For the most part. There isn't that much we can do for the cause, you understand. Not at this point." He shrugged, sitting down next to me. 

"Oh." I nodded dumbly. I wasn't sure what sort of response he wanted.

"I think you'd be a welcome asset to the group." He continued. "I know that your friends are being recruited by Dumbledore."

"Oh?" I didn't know anything about that.

"Yes. That's the word, at any rate." Snape shrugged offhandedly. "They're backing the wrong horse."

"Are they?" I didn't know much about politics.

"Yes. Voldemort has power, and quite a number of the ministry behind him. And there's a place for everyone, with him. People like us can go far."

"Like...us?" I'd never really thought I had anything in common with Snape. Well, not that much anyway...

"Outcasts. Oh, don't try and deny it. You're the same as me. You don't *really* have friends. They keep you out of things, don't they? They forget about you. They treat you just a little bit differently..."

I bit my bottom lip. I didn't like thinking about it, but he was right. They had always managed to exclude me, even if it was by accident. And they teased me a lot. They didn't mean to be mean, but...that was just them. They were closer. James and Sirius were best friends. And Remus...well, Remus had his...thing. That brought him closer to them. I tried, but...

"And I'm sure you keep things from them."

I could feel myself blushing. Of course I kept some things from them. I had to. They wouldn't understand. Remus maybe, 'cause he knew what it was like to be different in a way that you couldn't help, but you had to hide. But Sirius and James...I knew Sirius wouldn't understand. He'd hate me. He'd make fun of me even worse, and he certainly wouldn't keep being my friend if he knew.

"There are things Lord Voldemort doesn't care about. He doesn't care about how much power you have, or if you're rich, or what your...tastes are?" It was like he was asking me something. I just sort of looked down at my hands, still blushing. I didn't know what to say.

"Dumbledore and his ilk have never accepted me." Snape kept talking. "Neither have your friends. I'm sure you hear what they say about me."

Of course I'd heard. I knew all the bad names they used for Snape. Bastard was a favorite. Freak. But so were queer, and fairy. Sirius used those the most. Snape didn't try and hide that at all. He didn't care who knew. And Sirius and James and Remus all hated him. Not *because* of that. They hated him because he as a Slytherin, and he was cruel to them. But it was good ammunition for them.

"I honestly don't care what they think about me. And neither should you. But you should devote your time to those who can appreciate you."

"Oh?" I know I keep saying the same thing over and over again, but it's all I can say. I sort of know what Snape's getting at, but I sort of don't. I know what he wants to know. 

"Yes." Snape nodded. Mostly everyone else had left. There were only four Slytherin's in seventh year, and the other two had wandered off somewhere. The few people who were left were getting ready to leave. "You *do* have talents. Everyone has talents. Lord Voldemort understands that. He understands that everyone has a purpose, sometimes it just takes work to find that purpose. With us, you could have a purpose."

"What...what would I have to do?" It really didn't seem wrong. 

"Whatever you're comfortable with." Snape shook back his hair, brushing it out of his face with his fingers. His fingers were very long and pale.

"I don't know..." I chewed my bottom lip again. Snape was paying more attention to me then any of my friends had in a long time. And the things he said made a lot of sense. 

"We're happy to accept you, Peter." 

I wrung my hands, torn. What did I do? He made so much sense...and they weren't doing anything bad or wrong. I mean, some schools taught the Dark Arts. 

"I understand if you need time to think about it." Snape titled his head, looking down at me. "It's up to you. I'm not going to force you into anything you don't want to do. *I'd* never do that."

I twitched my foot, lost in my thoughts. Sirius had a way of getting me to do things I really didn't want to. He never took no for an answer. James was better about it. Remus stayed out of it altogether. But...would these people *really* accept me? 

"I don't know." I said again, mournfully. Snape patted my shoulder, nodding.

"I understand completely. It's a big decision."

"You really think I'd do good here?"

"Yes." Snape nodded, brushing my hair out of my eyes. It had grown out longer then I wanted it to. "I think you would do...very well here."

I wasn't entirely sure what was going on. Snape was giving me a really weird look, and he was still touching my hair. It wasn't a sort of situation I'd ever been in before. At least not outside my own mind. But in my fantasies, Snape was *never* the person talking pretty to me and touching my hair. But beggars can't be choosers, as my grandma always used to say. I had sort of lived that way my whole life. I'd found Sirius and James and Remus and I'd stopped. I had my friends, and friends had been really hard to come by for me. I didn't even bother thinking about a...anything else. 

"What...why..." I didn't know how to say what I was feeling. 

"What?" Snape raised an eyebrow. He was nice looking, in a vampire sort of way. Really pale skin, black hair and eyes, thin...

"You're..." I scrunched up my face, fighting to find the words. I was never good with words.

"Attracted to you? Yes, oddly enough." Snape shrugged. "You're...cute." It sounded like he didn't use the word too much. Cute? I wasn't cute, and I said as much. He shook his head, lips compressed into a thin line. "And who's led you to believe this, hmm? You're certainly no Mr. Wizarding World, but you have a rather earthy attractiveness to you. I generally prefer blonds, and a bit more well built. But it isn't as thought you're fat or hideous."

"Oh." My word of the night. No one's ever told me I was attractive before. I'd always thought I *was* fat and ugly. But Snape had a point. Sirius did tease me about my eating an awful lot, and the fact that I didn't have a girlfriend.

"And as I said, we're a lot alike Peter. I know what it's like to be an outcast. I'd like to help you..."

Then he kissed me. I'd never been kissed before. It wasn't the sort of kiss I'd always dreamed about. It was short, and Snape's lips were thin and a little dry. But it was really okay. I kissed him back, and it was sort of fumbled. I don't think he had much practice either. But we got through it okay, and eventually got everything sorted out...

***

I think that's when I made up my mind. I'm pretty sure now that Severus seduced me just to bring me over to Voldemort's side. Because of things I heard later. I don't think he was as inexperienced as he pretended. It was all an act, for my sake. I joined the next day. I probably would have done it that night, but I was busy with other things. I like to think he actually cared about me, eventually. 

I didn't tell any of the others. And they never told me they were working with Dumbledore. But now that I knew, I looked for it. And they were. I was sad they hadn't told me, but it was okay. I had found my own path. 

Things stayed the same for a while. I wasn't asked to do anything that big. Just keep an eye on them, look for anyone who looked like a good recruit. I was used to listen, and to carry messages. It was stupid stuff, but it made me feel important. And Severus kept up his little charade for a while. Behind closed doors anyway. That was something else I never told. I don't think anyone was even suspicious. And they never asked where I snuck off to at night. Or why I was gone all night. After the meetings I'd stay with Severus. And afterwards, they thought I had a job. I did, in a way. 

I met Voldemort. He seemed nice. he was very kind to me, because I was terrified. I'd heard so many bad stories about him, and what he did to servants who didn't please him. But he was very nice. He met with me alone, and he didn't look scary at all. He was older, with dark brown hair that was starting to go a bit grey, and he had kind eyes. He looked like the sort of person you could trust. He asked me to sit down...

***

"Please sit down, Mr. Pettigrew."

"You can call me Peter." I was terrified. I didn't even know what I was saying. Severus had told me not to worry about anything, that I'd be fine, Voldemort wasn't that scary.

"All right. Peter. I've heard very good things about you, young man."

"Me?" I squeaked. People had been telling him things about me?

"Oh yes. I hear you are quite invaluable." He nodded, hands folded.

"Thank you sir." Severus had also told me to be very polite.

"Now...I hear you are quite close with the Potters?"

"Sort of." I shrugged. I still spent plenty of time with James and Lilly, but I didn't feel as close to them as I had been.

"Both would be quite valuable to me. Tell me, do you think they would join me?" He smiled at me, and I noticed he was drinking wine. It was an odd thing to notice, but it was one of those small things my mind focused on.

"I...I don't know." I really didn't. If they saw how much sense it made, yes. I told him that.

"And would they listen to you, Peter?"

"Oh no!" I shook my head. "They wouldn't listen to me at all."

"Well, when the time is right..." Voldemort smiled. "Now...what to do with you. Have you any special talents, Peter?"

"Well..." I guessed I could tell him. The thing I didn't tell anyone, even Severus. "I'm...I'm an Animagus."

"Truly?" Voldemort smiled widely at me. "And tell me, what is your token animal?"

"A...a rat." I felt embarrassed suddenly. I'd been proud, when I decided to be a rat. 

"A rat? How ingenious. You know, you may turn out to be quite valuable indeed."

"Really?" I couldn't hide that I was happy about that. Lord Voldemort was a very important person, and he thought *I* was valuable.

"Oh yes. We have no Animagus among our ranks. And a rat...you can slip in and out of all sorts of places. You can hear what people say. And you can remember...yes Peter, you are very valuable to me indeed." He smiled, and it wasn't a very nice smile, but I didn't really care. I was valuable. No one other then Severus had ever called me valuable.

"Thank you sir." I bowed my head, and he chuckled.

"Yes, I am quite glad we had this little meeting. Severus did well, in bringing you into the fold. No, off with you. And tell Severus I've no need of his services either. You may go and celebrate as you wish." He waved his hand, dismissing me, and I scampered out. Severus was waiting for me, leaning against the wall casually. I told what had been said, and he was very happy indeed...

***

I told Voldemort everything. It was the only thing I was good at, and I'd never been good at anything before. I listened everywhere. I was one of the most important Death Eaters. Everyone noticed a change in the way I acted. They commented on it, and Sirius asked me if I was 'finally getting some'. I let them think it was that. That was partially it. I was falling in love with Severus. That was a bad move. A very bad move...

***

"Severus?" We were lying in bed, and he was on his side facing away from me.

"What?"

"When do you think this is all going to be over?"

"I don't know." He was being very gruff. I reached out, resting my hand on his shoulder. He didn't move at all.

"What will we do, when it is?"

"I don't know."

"Do you think about the future at all?" I did. I thought about it a lot. 

"No."

I frowned. He wasn't usually this cold, especially not at times like these. Generally he would even hold me for a while, until I fell asleep. But something was different tonight. Had I done something?

"Severus...are you okay?"

"Fine." He snapped it, curling in on himself and shaking my hand off of his shoulder. It had to have been something I'd done. 

"But..."

"Just shut up and go to sleep!"

I was hurt. I blinked back tears. He was never this mean with me, not since we'd begun sleeping together. I couldn't say anything, because I was afraid I'd start crying. I nodded, even though he couldn't see me. It hurt. No one had hurt me in a long time. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like.

"Oh for the love of...Peter, I'm sorry." He turned over, sighing. "Look, this has nothing to do with you. It's me."

"Oh." I couldn't look at his eyes. I didn't like what I saw there. Something was different about him, but I didn't know what. It scared me though. Something had changed. But he was sad he had hurt me. I could tell that at least. I kept my eyes on his lips instead. Thin and pale, but they could be very warm and nice when he wanted them to be.

"Peter..." He sighed, resting his forehead against mine. He kissed the top of my head, and held me close. I think then, there, he did care about me. I couldn't stop myself. The words just sort of came out. I know it was all my fault. But...

"I love you."

There was silence for a few minutes. I looked up briefly, and I think there was hurt in his eyes. But he closed them really quick. Maybe I imagined it. But he held me very tightly, his hands pressed firm on my back. I could hear him swallowing hard.

"I think you should have waited until I finished my sentence." He was sort of choked, like he was having trouble talking.

"Oh..."

"Peter...I don't know much longer we can be together." His voice was really tight. That made a difference t me. If he wanted to hurt me, he would have been cold about it. 

"Oh." Now I was the one who was having trouble talking. My throat got very tight, and it hurt inside. I let him hold me, and I cried quietly for a good long time. He stroked my back, and he let me cry, and he told me he was sorry, and he wished he could explain but he couldn't. I didn't ask, I just kept crying really softly and thanking whatever gods were watching over me that he stayed with me for that night at least. 

He was gone the next day.

***

Maybe Severus' leaving me had something to do with what I did. James made me his Secret Keeper not long after that. I didn't really want him to. Sirius would have been better. But they all decided-without me-that I was the one. I didn't say anything for a few days, but I could tell they knew. Voldemort called me to him again...

***

"I am sorry to hear about you and Severus." He said, gesturing for me to sit. I still hurt over that. I just nodded, my hands folded in my lap. "But I am sure you will bounce back. Now...I would like to talk to you about the Potters."

"Oh?" He couldn't have known. He must have just been suspicious.

"I think it is time we welcomed them to the fold." 

"Oh." So that was what this was about. Getting James and Lily to join. It really would be a good idea. I had made a few quiet comments about it, but they hadn't really picked up the hint. But now that they had Harry, it would be a good idea. Voldemort was very powerful, and he was gaining power even quicker. We had almost won. Not that it was really a war...

"Do you know where they are? I'd like to have a talk with them..."

"Oh." Well, they would listen to reason. They were smart. And they were much better off siding with us, they had to know that. James was good at making logical desicions. And he would want his son to grow up in the sort of world where he could go far. The Potters were an old, established family. And Voldemort was good at putting things in the right way. People listened to him. James would listen, and he'd explain things to Lily. And Harry would grow up understanding. He'd never have to go through the sort of things I did. Even if he had no talent, he wouldn't be treated poorly. I nodded, happy with my logic, and told Voldemort where they were...

***

I honestly didn't think he was going to kill them. If I had known that, I wouldn't have said anything. I would have lied. I didn't want to see them dead! I *did* care about James. I didn't want to be a part of it anymore. I had been used. Lied to. Betrayed. I tried to run. This was all their fault. They had trusted me. They had put me in this position. if they hadn't...

I don't know what I did what I did. I wanted to die. I had gotten my best friends murdered. I knew then that they were my friends. Voldemort and Severus had never cared about me. Well, I'm not so sure about Severus anymore. He might have. But the others....they used me. It was Sirius' fault. I needed to find him, I needed to explain. But he wouldn't let me. I tried to talk with him, but he just kept telling what he was going to do to me, what an awful person I was. I *knew* all that. I started to get angry

"You did it, Sirius!" I yelled. He had told them to make me their Secret Keeper. He had put their lives in my hands. "James and Lily..." Left them to *me*. "How could you...?" How could you have trusted them to anyone else? He got angry then. I panicked. I tried to stun him, or curse him, or something. I don't even know what happened. But something went wrong. There was an explosion, or something. I got hurt, bad. I panicked. I needed to get out. I transfigured, heading for the sewers...

***

It had all been an accident. What they say, what they claim happened...that was just what they thought. I ended up staying as a rat. Everyone thought I was dead. Sirius was in Azkaban. Well, in a way he deserved it. He had entrusted their lives to me. He shouldn't have. I ended up getting caught by a rat catcher, and eventually found my way to a wizarding pet shop. I was bought, and given to a young boy just starting out at Hogwarts. Percy Weasley. Life wasn't that bad. I started...I started to really be a rat. I still had my own thoughts, but so much of the past was distant. I focused on rat things. I cared about food, and sleep, and things like that. I did have *some* human thoughts, but they were detached.

I was Percy's for three years, until he got an owl and I was given to Ron. I liked Ron, inasmuch as my human thoughts let me like anything I couldn't eat. He was very nice to me, and talked to me and treated me like a person. I think that helped. He didn't treat me like a rat. And he renamed me. Percy had given me some strange name that I don't even remember. But it hadn't been a rat name. Ron called me Scabbers. And I was very loyal to him. He deserved it. I saw a lot of me in him. But everything was really fuzzy. It took me about two years to figure out why Ron's friend, Harry Potter, was so familiar. But it didn't take me that long to figure out what was so familiar about Ron's Potions professor.

Severus had changed a lot, but really not that much at all. But...what was he doing teaching at Hogwarts? He was...a bad person. He was one of them. The ones that killed James and Lily. The ones that used me. He had used me to. And he was still nasty and cruel. I think it was him, that brought everything back. Ron and Harry, over homework, saying awful things about him. Just like Sirius and James. I finally made the connection. Harry Potter. Potter. James' son. The one who had caused the downfall of Voldemort. The one I had nearly killed. The one Sirius and I had made an orphan. Harry Potter. Then everything started coming back to me. Then I heard that Sirius had escaped. I knew he'd be coming for me. He blamed me! 

I had to get away. Especially when I saw Remus. I didn't recognize him at first. He had changed so much. He had gotten old. I had too, but not like that. I hadn't gotten old as a person. Would I have looked anything like that? Before I went into hiding, I was only twenty two. And the cat! It hated me. It wanted me dead. I could tell that much. I tried to escape. I hid in Hagrid's hut. If I had more sense, I would have gone farther. But I didn't want Sirius to find me! He wouldn't give me a chance to explain, he hadn't then and he wouldn't now!

Then it happened. Everything went to hell. No one would listen to me. I just wanted to be left alone! But it was too late for that. They had found me. If it hadn't been for the full moon, I'd probably have been given to the Dementors. But I had my chance. I escaped. I ran for it. Changed into a rat and ran. No one. No one had cared to hear my side of the story. Not that I was able to tell it. It was my first time being human after thirteen years as a rat. I wasn't exactly in my right mind.

I didn't mean to find Voldemort. I told him I did, but what else could I say? I just wanted to get away. And...I made a mistake. I ran into that Ministry worker. I panicked. I didn't know what to do. I never knew what to do. Everything....everything sort of happened. And then I was with Voldemort again. He punished me. The Crucio curse. He made me help him. I couldn't do anything else. I didn't want to *die*! I helped him. I hated it, and he knew it. He was a disgusting thing. And I once thought this was a powerful and wonderful man? It was a thing. A thing that killed. I saw him kill with my own eyes. 

I was scared for my life. I did as he asked. I didn't want him to kill Harry, though. And it wasn't just because he spared my life. He was James' son. I tried to convince Voldemort not to hurt him, but he wouldn't listen. And...I couldn't let him think I cared...I know I was weak. I always was. Weak and easily led. But...

He made me kill for him. I'd never really killed anyone in my life. Not...not on purpose. Not with the Killing Curse. But Voldemort had trained me well. I did what I was told, without thinking. The Pain Curse had seen to that. He liked using the pain curse, and he didn't have anyone else to use it on. He wouldn't kill me, because he needed me. And he wouldn't let me out of his sight. He knew I'd run. I would. I made a mistake. Again. I was always making mistakes. Then....then it was time. Why couldn't Crouch have done it all? Why did I have to? He wouldn't even call be by my name anymore. I was Wormtail. I hated that name. They had given it to me. 

I didn't want to kill the boy, Cedric. I didn't even realize what I was doing until it was too late. I do what I am told. Voldemort orders, I obey. I regretted it. He wasn't supposed to die. He wasn't even supposed to be there! But he was, and he paid the price. I regret that, the most. Then...then he asked for so much more. I didn't want to do any of it! I hated myself while I did it. I couldn't even look at Harry when I did it. And...when I...

It hurt more then almost anything. I can still feel it, when I think about it. The way it burned. And then, afterwards, he used the pain curse on me. Just because he could. And he touched my mark, and it hurt. And the others came. I hate them all. But...Severus didn't. I don't think he's the coward. Did he really leave? I wonder why. 

It's all over now. Not *over*, but that stage of it anyway. I've been...forgotten, for the moment. They all ignore me. I'm weak, not worth it. Oh god James, I'm so sorry. What have I done? It wasn't supposed to be like this! Not at all. And I'm sorry to Harry, to. I tried, I really tried! But I can't do anything. I'm worthless and useless and I should have just turned myself in. Maybe I'll still have a chance. Or maybe they'll take me back...if they ever let me explain...I mean, if Severus could do it...

I've done it again. I'm caught up in something that I can't control. But will I be able to stop it, this time? Or am I doomed to make the same mistakes I did before? Either way, I hope that they've forgiven me.

~~~~~~~~~~

Crownless again shall be the queen  
Trophy on her grave still remains unseen  
A boat on the river confessing the sins  
The Riddler revealing the deep hidden things

Crownless again shall be the king  
A gull covered in oil with a broken wing  
A hitcher on a road alone and lost  
Iron sharpens iron... - a truth that once was

Mine is the Earth and the sword in the stone  
Mine is the throne for the idol  
One fleeting moment and it is all gone  
Crownless again  
Will I fall ?

Roaming on razor-sharp castles  
Ruling all but myself  
(Now my night is laid to sleep)

One fragrant rose worth ten times what I am  
A crippled begging a coin braver than I ever was  
Reflection from me-Devil dressed in white  
Chasten the being  
Become what I once was

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


End file.
